What REALLY Is Secure Attachment, Anyway?
Despite a ton of books, articles, and posts on the subject, few really stick to the science.
Understanding attachment theory and science is essential to exploring the nature of our most primary human relationships. Attachment theory is widely accepted across interdisciplinary sciences as a driving force of human development—it is now the most research supported theory of human development we have. The research findings from studying attachment help us understand how we can construct our primary relationships in a way that builds us into the high functioning, contributing, and caring humans we are meant to be.
Attachment research shows that when our foundational caregiving relationships are “secure" (more on what secure means soon), they provide an essential scaffolding to our overall well being across our lifespan. Secure attachment relationships in our youth predict important aspects of our adult lives—those with secure attachment relationships early on have higher self esteem, better emotion regulation, and a more developed sense of self-agency. The benefits of a secure attachment background have huge implications for relationships throughout the lifespan, in terms of being able to forge quality friendships, establish meaningful romantic partnerships, as well as obtain overall social competence which matters in work, sports, creative endeavors, or anything where we are interacting with others or in a group.
What exactly is a secure parent-child relationship, and how does it get established? Why are adult partnerships also considered attachment relationships? How do we actually create and nurture attachment relationships throughout childhood and over time? What is it about these relationships that makes such an impact on our overall lives? Given the way many parents approach attachment with their kids, one might think we must obsess over our children’s attachment style and sense of security—is that really necessary? Do we need to “fix” or change our attachment styles to ever have a chance at secure relationships?
I plan to unpack these questions and more from multiple angles over multiple posts. It’s going to be a lot of information, hopefully done in a way that feels digestible for you. If this topic interests you (it has fascinated me for more than 20 years), pull up a seat and hang out with me. Chances are secure relationships are not what you think they are, even if you’re up to speed on “attachment parenting” (which actually does not totally align with attachment science, more on that to come). It is my hope that my writing helps unpack in an intuitive, understandable, and actionable way how security in our human relationships actually is formed, maintained, and what it has to offer us all throughout life.
If you haven’t read my About page, this is a good time to do so, as it gives some context as to where I come from and why I care so much about this topic. As a couple therapist and coach, I will discuss not only our first attachment relationships with our caregivers, but also our adult attachment relationships with our partners. The main difference between parent-child attachment and adult partnerships is that adult partnerships are mutual, in that there are two people with the same amount of authority over themselves and their relationship. With parent-child, the parent is responsible for how the relationship functions. We also can have other attachment figures throughout life, like siblings, best friends, mentors, and therapists. I will focus mostly on parent-child and long term adults partnerships, as those are what fascinate me the most.
I remember when I had two little ones under the age of two years old, and felt totally overwhelmed some days wondering how my husband and I would meet their needs day in and day out, night after night, for what seemed like forever at the time. Parenting was definitely the most enormous undertaking I had ever embarked on physically, mentally, and emotionally. However, because we understood and valued attachment, we knew that our presence, our way of being, and our attentiveness to our relationships with our kids—as well as each other—would go a long way. We took time to learn, reflect, ask for guidance when we needed it, and to support each other so that we could meet as many days as possible with all that we had. It was worth every effort. Understanding attachment, valuing it, and knowing how to create security is still a practice as well as a huge resource for us in our parenting.
Now, there are entire books written on what secure relationships are and how to build them (some sources I recommend will be listed at the end of this post). In my words a secure parent child relationship is a strong, stable, psychological and relational bond in which the parent expresses their genuine investment and commitment to their child consistently, reliably, in an attuned way over time. This sensitive and responsive care enables the child to experience a felt sense of safety on all levels with their parent—physically and psychologically. The child knows that efforts will be made to understand them, and that they will be provided for, soothed, and supported in developmentally appropriate ways by their parent.
Yes, there is a lot to unpack in that definition, and don’t worry, I will do so. For the moment, I hope that I am conveying the complexity and dynamism that is part of a long term attachment relationship. Secure attachment is built on a foundation of parental sensitivity, responsiveness, and attunement in a way that makes room for a child’s development over time. As parents, we need to keep attuning (more on what attunement means to come) to the developmental growth in our child and in our relationship that is meant to happen over time. Also be aware that this definition is all about the relationship between people, and to keep that in mind, as it will help later when you see that attachment is more malleable (because it is a relational experience, not a character trait) than you might think.
Additionally, notice I didn’t say that the child feels “loved” or that the parent is “loving.” I do think that love can be part of what people feel in secure attachment relationships, no doubt on that. However, love is not what makes people feel secure in relationships. Plenty of parents deeply love their children, and also have parented in ways that did not support security to develop. The same is true with adult partnerships—you can really love someone and have a lot of insecurity in the relationship—humans can even traumatize or abuse people we love. We are talking here about security, which is different than love. More on all this soon.
Coming back to definite and unpacking relational security, we must appreciate that attaching to a caregiver is a biological necessity, and babies come with built in capacities, skills, and instincts to help cultivate connection with a caregiver from birth—their life depends on creating an attachment to a caregiver. Babies learn very quickly and adapt to the quality of care they receive. Everyone who makes it through childhood attached to someone who helped them survive, and ideally they were able to form a secure attachment relationship. When a secure attachment isn’t accessible to the child, they will form instead an insecure or disorganized attachment to their caregiver. We will get to what those attachment experiences are that are different than security, but for now, just know that in order to survive, we must form an attachment of some kind.
According to attachment science, security in a parent child relationship is built on a few key things. The most defining feature of secure attachment relationships (according to attachment science) is one you may never have heard of. It involves a parent’s capacity for self reflection. Self reflection is an ability and willingness to make meaning out of one’s life experiences. Self reflection enables us to create a “coherent narrative”—a story about ourselves that makes sense over time and includes the wide range of experiences throughout one’s life. Self reflection, which supports us having a narrative that has meaning and makes sense, has a huge impact on the security of our relationships.
Self reflection is such a predominant factor in forming secure relationships that without it, it doesn’t seem possible to build them regardless of how many other things you do “right.” It appears that without self reflection, it is hard to repair, empathize, validate, or attune to another human in a way that would build security over time. I cannot emphasize this psychological capacity enough. Later, I will discuss how to build our capacity for self reflection, in ourselves and our kids, as unfortunately this is an often underdeveloped capacity many of us struggle with in life, and a factor in many of the mental health issues and life challenges we face.
Another key aspect of forming secure attachment relationships is repair: how we own up to, validate, and empathize with our child (or partner as adults) when we have made a mistake, and work to improve ourselves and our interactions as we go. Repair is about getting back to a good place after we have had a rupture in our connection. Repairing brings us back into attuned alignment and connection with those we love and care for. Repair is healing and bolstering of confidence in ourselves and in our relationships, and is where security gets even stronger—don’t miss out on that!
In a parent-child attachment relationship, the parent initiates and repairs their mistakes as often as needed. Over time, as parents we are meant to learn from our mistakes, learn about our capacity, learn where we need to find more support or guidance from others, and hopefully, grow and develop alongside our children. We don’t need to be perfect by any means, but we do need to be invested enough in the relationship with our child to learn about how to do repair, and do it well. With an infant, repair is often picking them up, speaking in soothing tones, holding them close, tending to their needs for care and soothing. As our children grow, repair becomes much more complex and nuanced. When it comes to adult attachment relationships in partnerships, repair is again a defining feature of overall relationship satisfaction. My husband also wrote a wonderful book on repair, “Getting to Zero.
Additionally, I want to add that being able to co-regulate with our child under stress is very important for their sense of safety and security and the formation of their own self-regulation capacities as they grow. Co-regulation as a parent (more on this to come, it is a fascinating topic) is about orienting towards and tuning into our child’s experience in a way that has them feel safe, seen, and understood. We can do this without words, as our presence and way of being is a huge part of a co-regulatory experience. Our gaze, touch, and face convey so very much to the people depending on us, and we can use our body and our presence as an impactful tool in communicating our feelings. We can show we care, convey our clarity with our boundaries, and we don’t have to use force, excessive words, or increase our volume when we have clarity on a body level. It is also true that as adults, we continue to benefit from (and need) good co-regulation with the other adults we depend on most. Often when adult partnerships fail, it is because they could not find a way to co-regulate well through a range of experiences, including conflict.
One last thing to mention about securely attached relationships is that through attachment research we have learned that regardless of one’s attachment relationship history, people can “earn” secure attachment in their relationships later in life through personal growth work like therapy, where you learn how to function in relationships in a secure way. If your attachment experience with your caregivers was less than (or far from) secure, you can develop a sense of security in relationships later in life through developing yourself and learning how to function in a securely attached way in your primary relationships.
Attachment theory gives us something clarifying to focus on as parents: our relationship with our children, and how much it matters. How we respond to our child, and how that response is experienced by our child, creates their attachment style and experience of our relationship with them. Our children want to feel safe and secure in their relationship with us, know that they can utilize us as a safe and comforting resource, and feel free to move away from us to explore and take risks in their minds, bodies, and life—and that our relationship can handle their needs for closeness and autonomy over time.
As adults, understanding our attachment history, and learning how to cultivate security (regardless of our attachment history) is a foundational aspect of long term partnerships and marriages. As adults, it requires both people to be mutually invested in creating security, and being willing to do (Sometimes hard or uncomfortable or unfamiliar) things that support both people’s well being in the relationship. Collaboration, creativity, and self reflection are key here.
Parenting is both a massive responsibility and an incredible opportunity. Long term partnership is it’s own steep path of growth and development as well. Attachment theory can support us to find a way with our children and partners that is nourishing to everyone. It is my intention to help us all find the sweet spot for ourselves, our kids, and our partners over and over again, and ultimately to enjoy the process of learning who we really are—together.
RECOMMENDED SOURCES:
Dan Siegel, MD https://drdansiegel.com/
Tina Payne Bryson, PhD https://www.tinabryson.com/
Aliza Pressman, PhD https://draliza.com/
Kim John Payne, M.Ed. https://www.simplicityparenting.com/about-us
Stan Tatkin, PsyD. https://www.thepactinstitute.com/books
Robert Karen PhD. https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Attached-First-Relationships-Capacity/dp/0195115015
Ed Tronnick https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/ed-tronick-phd/the-power-of-discord/9781549118418/?lens=little-brown
Jayson Gaddis https://www.jaysongaddis.com/books/
Thank you for this exploration and clarity. Brava!